MySpace
No, not Myspace.com
My own space. My personal space.
That's the problem these days. There is none. Personal space, that is. I'll be at work and someone will say to me, "Hey, Ken. I'm going over to IHOP after work. Wanna come along?"
And there it is. No. I do not want to go to IHOP with you.
It's not that I have anything against IHOP. Or eating. I have nothing against you, either. But I won't go to IHOP with you. And I won't eat lunch with you, either.
Why not? It's simple. You are not my mother and you're not my wife. You see, there's a line there. I'm also not going to let you cry on my shoulder or establish an open door urination policy with me. I will not ask you for your opinion on my haircut. I will not invite you to Christmas dinner. For that matter, I will not give you a Christmas gift either. Do not ask me what I brought for lunch, because I won't tell you. Don't ask me to smell your perfume. I don't want to see pictures of your children. I am not your husband.
Do not show me your suntan. I will not be at the annual Christmas party at work.
I work with you and sometimes I spend more time with you than I do with my wife. So there is a boundary that I have set up that I will not cross.
What makes a man cheat on his wife? I've heard people say that every man will cheat if given the right circumstances. I do not know if that is true. But what is that man doing in those circumstances?
I can safely say that I will not cheat on my wife. The reason I can say that is because I will not develop an intimacy with another woman.
There are certain parts of my life that are private. Mealtime. Hopes and dreams. My writing. Certain music that I listen to. Bathroom time. Children. Body parts.
It's not that I don't like you. I'm certain that you are a wonderful person.
But you just are not my wife.
There are exceptions. Waitresses can talk about my food. I can discuss my body parts with my doctor. I may use my children as an example when I am explaining something.
But for me to talk about any of these things with anyone else is rare. There is a woman at work with whom I talk about some of the music that we both like. There is an intimacy about it. Mostly due to the fact that the music is so unknown to most people that we were both excited to actually find someone else who has even heard of it. She's about twenty years older than me, and there are a couple of times that I caught her making comments such as "I wish you were older." or "I'm thinking about leaving my husband." and then I have had to steer her back. There is an intimacy in music.
Today I agreed to be a critique partner with someone to critique each other's writing, and that someone happens to be a female. Normally I would just say no without even considering it. But I happen to know that this person is a good Christian, is happily married, and lives very far away. So I can work with her. But there is an intimacy in writing. At least in my writing there is. I'm not talking about blogging. Writing comes from deep down inside of me. Writing is born in the parts of my brain that are on the inside of all of the guards and filters that I have set up. But this person is a good writer, and I value her opinion when it comes time for her to critique my work. There is a very good benefit in getting a fresh perspective on your work. But I won't be inviting her to Christmas dinner. And I won't go to IHOP with her either.
Again, I have nothing against IHOP. I go there all the time with my wife.
posted by jagular @ 5:35 PM
10 Comments:
Excellent post! Right on the money.
Man that is so odd. I was JUST discussing this with a younger guy today who asked me about marriage and cheating.
He mirrored the comment that any man will cheat under certain circumstances. I replied that every man who doesn't avoid those circumstances is a fool and doesn't deserve a happy marriage.
In Muslim countries, they've taken it to the extreme of not letting a woman spent a moment alone with any man who is not a direct relative. This is primarily because they can't be trusted not to shag a goat when nobody is looking, but I digress.
so beautiful written, Jag...
So are you saying if I get over the fear of travel and come and visit you and your wife, we can't go to IHOP?
WHELL!!!! :-)
TTQ: Thank you.
7: See, great minds think alike. And so do we.
Violet: Thank you.
LeighAnn: You get over your fear of travel and come for a visit and I'll invite you to a Texas style BBQ.
I agree 100%. My husband and I have a rule, we are never alone with a member of the opposite sex, EVER.
Email is sort of the same thing too. We don't exchange email's with members of the opposite sex either - except if there is a reason, like a critique parter. In which case we make the other person aware of the situation before starting the partnership (which you better beleive I asked my husband if he had a problem with it ;)) and then my email is on my outlook for him to read anytime he wanted to. Not that I ever think he would because he trusts me - but whatever, it's still there.
WHAT A TRUE MAN
Heather: That's funny because I am the same way. I have my email on outlook express, password not needed. (Lucky thing, too, because I don't remember the password)
My wife reads my blog every day, too.
But even more importantly, we have trust in each other. My wife would never doubt me because I would never give her reason to. In fact, I like to think that if someone came and told my wife that they thought that I was cheating on her or something that she would just laugh at them, because she knows my character and that I could never cheat on her.
Hmm...i liked this post!!!
I am still trying to decide if I believe/want to be married at all. I'm sure I will, but at 21...it's the last thing I want for the next 5 - 10 years!!
But i agree with what you are saying - in that the only time someone will cheat is if they allow themselves to become to close to someone.
Ohh and I am sooo with you on the whole personal space thing. Regardless of if someone is male or female...if I work with you and have for the past year, and have not yet gone to drinks/lunch/whatever with you - chances are Im not about to start!!!!
There can be intimacy in anything that a person is passionate about, which is likely why so many relationships and/or affairs start at work. So, obviously, you are wise to uphold your boundaries. I suspect though, that your wife also contributes on the other side; engaging you in discussion about work and the things that you are passionate about. This is where couples often fail; intentions are good but maintaining a marriage means staying engaged in one another … ok, so I am preachin’ to the choir – this is just a subject that hits too close to home for Frannie.
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