The Day After Thanksgiving

Today is the day after Thanksgiving. The biggest shopping day of the year for women. Men, on the other hand, prefer Christmas Eve, usually between the hours of 8:00 and 10:00 PM.
It's nine in the morning. The malls are full. The streets are in gridlock. There are sales, lights, tempers, bargains, and everywhere you look, people. It's a preview of what Man-Hell would look like. Women, on the other hand, are in their element. They have spent the last two months researching what will be on sale where, and then making a map of all of the stores that they will go to, what time they will get there, how much everything will cost, and how to fit it all in the car.
On most days, women prefer shopping in a pack. They take all of their friends with them and ooh and ahh over every little detail. Not today. Today is a day for loners. Loners with a map. Loners on a mission.
I went shopping one year on the day after Thanksgiving. My wife put me up to it. I'm not sure what I did to make her mad at me, but I know I must have done something bad, because she got me on that one. It took me forty five minutes to park the car. I didn't know that you are supposed to park in a central location and walk to each different store. Men don't think of such things. I went looking around for different items that I wanted to get for people on my list. It wasn't pretty.
It would seem that business has figured out how the system works. On the day after Thanksgiving they don't have "my dad bought this for me" items. But the stores are full of "look what my mom got me" things. I believe the "may I help you" people all have the day off. Here are some good quotes from my experience of shopping on the day after Thanksgiving:

"No, we don't have anything that shoots."
"GI Joe? Try sporting goods."
"You want a WHAT?"
"Come on, mister, I got work to do."
"You could try getting that online."
"Sorry, we are sold out of those"
"You should probably try shopping with your wife next time."
"Why are you crying, mister?"

So if you are a man, I would just advise you to stay home today. It's just not worth it. Go eat some left over turkey and take a nap. If you do happen to find yourself in a situation where you must go shopping today, here are some pointers:

-Get in and out as fast as you can. Don't look left or right. Try to keep moving.
-If someone tells you, "I saw that same item on sale at the other end of the mall" don't listen to them. It's a trap. This is one of the evil people of the world. They probably want your place in line.
-Don't make eye contact with anyone.
-If someone says "may I help you", just ignore them. They cannot help you. They are a sadistic man-hater who is out to torment you. Just keep walking.
-When you find yourself walking in circles and talking to yourself, just go home. You're done. Don't worry if your wife will be upset that you didn't get everything. She already knows that you won't. She is just looking for payback for something that you did earlier in the week.
-If you are single, take your girlfriend with you, and then wait in the car. She will take care of everything. Tell her that you want to buy her present later, so that she will be surprised. Then go shopping on Christmas Eve, when all of the right items are in stock.